Missing you?

Missing things you don’t want to miss
Wondering about that first kiss
Is everything real and true?
Or was it just me and you
Tough isn’t it? Waiting for that phone call
Just one last time, that’s all

Missing things you don’t want to miss
Feelings you cant dismiss

I thought I was the best friend
Looks like I was wrong again
How am I supposed to be alright
When I know, he’ll want to be with her tonight
Missing things you don’t want to miss
Still wondering about that first kiss?

Raindrops

It's raining. His favourite time of the year. She was sitting on the footpath, hugging her knees. Shivering. It was way past midnight, she ran her fingers through her wet, soaked hair. She remembered his strong fingers that once ran through her hair, pulled her close to him. She hugged her knees closer. It made her warmer, just like he used to make her feel.

The rain started pouring harder, the wind started moving faster, her pulse increased, just the way it did when he whispered in her ear. She rested her chin on her knees, closed her eyes. She saw blackness, nothing ahead of her. She opened her eyes, rain drops sticking on her eyelids, she stared into nothingness.

The cold didnt bother her, she wore a black dress. The one he gifted her on her birthday. Raindrops trickled down her bare back like velvet, just like his kisses flowed down her back. She looked down at her feet, mud splattered. Her legs, cleanly waxed stared back at her. She was reminded of the way their legs tangled, his skin on hers.

She hid her face in her palms, felt her breath. She wanted so badly to feel his hot breath. The night was becoming darker, so was her heart. Tears fell down her face, her eyeliner smudged as her tears got mixed with the raindrops and fell down into the the puddle next to which her black-strapped heeled feet were rested. The moon began to make its way throught the clouds, she hoped to see her reflection in the puddle, the moonlight gave her a sense of hope, she looked down at the puddle only to see his reflection, his dark brown eyes staring back hers.

[ So this is post is just a "scene" that popped up in my head when a friend mentioned the word "rain." 100% fictional, honest feedback is appreciated ]

Love = Bullshit

I read this on my cousins facebook profile page - " I love you has eight letters and so does bullshit." I didnt think about it much, till it came up in one of our lunch "talks" between me and Niyati that is.
Another one of my friends had her personal message on msn as - Why do fools fall in love?

Really got me thinking.

As little girls we saw those freaking Disney movies, you know with the happily ever after endings. Thats where the notion of - oh my God, I want to be in love too someday too - birthed from, And then there's chick lit, chick flicks, even in those damn action movies the hero after all his thrills an stunts, with blood and scars on his body, his oh-so hot perfect muscles, dirt all over his clothes manages to get the hot girl at the end of it all. Basically almost everything around us, what we see gives us false expectations about this thing called love. Whatever that is.

As Niyati and I got talking about this, we realized that there are a few friends of ours who are apparently "in love" , well we just decided not to acknowledge them, passed them off as the few "lucky" ones. So in conclusion, after about fifteen minutes of talking about this, we decided, love is bullshit. I said it with all my heart, love is bullshit. It doesnt exist, it's just a jumbling of neurotransmitters, hormones and of course the infatuation inducing stimulant - phenylethylamine in our bodies. There aren't any real Edwards Cullens.Period.

So we got talking, why the fuck do we need the male species.... Niyati said at the end of it all they are needed just to procreate, carry the race forward. We managed to come up for a solution for that too. Sounds ridiculous and it is influenced by our English class but we can just save all the sperms in a sperm donation bank and kill the male species. It sounded so majorly cool when i said it at that time, after typing it right now, I realize how idiotic it sounds. For some reason, its sounds idiotically super cool.

Hatred towards men and love, we've read about it in Miss.Julie, an extract from the play that I enjoyed alot - (Miss Julie to Jean) "You think I'm so weak - oh, I should like to see your blood, your brains, on a chopping block - I'd like to see all of your sex swimming in a lake of blood - I think I could drink from your skulls, I'd like to bathe my feet in your guts, I could eat your heart, roasted! You think I'm weak - you think I loved you, because my womb wanted your seed, you think I want to carry your embryo under my heart and feed it with my blood, bear your child and take your name !"

99% of the people reading this aren't going to agree with the "love is bullshit" theory. Even though, Love is created by chemical reactions in the brain. Eating chocolate gives off the same chemicals in the brain, giving one the feeling of love. Eating chocolate seems like a better option.

Love is "supposed" to be this beautiful, magical thing and then today afternoon after my aha-moment, I realized its not. Its really not. A very negative way of looking at it some might say, I havent ever been in love, I dont intend on. By this time, our friend Anthea had shot us quite a few looks filled with pity, at least thats what I perceived it as. Pity. And she said, "you guys have lost it, completely" with such conviction that for a moment I really did feel like I've lost it.

I may change my mind a few years from now, I may not.

It seems pessimistic, I think for me, It's just practical.
Bullshit love.

Choked-up

I hate it when I choke-up. This large, suffocating lump in my throat. The lump gets bigger, and bigger. My eyes sting with tears that refuse to come out not because they dont want to but because the can't. I refuse to let them come out. The lump is getting bigger, I realized I've forgotten to breathe. I gasp for air, hoping it will help make the lump in my throat go away. It doesnt, the air just seeps in through the lump, like water percolating through a rock.

My head is swimming in all directions, Is it my fault? Is it not? Why am I being put to blame? Why am i stuck in this situation? WHY?

The lump is beginning to disappear, I'm not getting any answers.
Breathing becomes easier, I'm still not getting any answers.
The un-fallen tears go away, I'm still not getting answers.
My jaws untighten, I'm still not getting answers.

I really hate it when I choke-up, I feel dumb, uncapable of any normal human like behavior. I'd probably be standing still even if I saw someone throw something at me.

It all gets over in a moment or two. A really short time period, seems damn insignificant later on, but then there's the after effect.
Hard core heart ache.

Still looking for answers.

Letting it "be"

Letting it be.
Seriously, like just letting things be the way they are. How hard is it? Or how hard do we make it to be?

Easier said than done, right?

"Forget about it, let it be"
How many times have we heard this, and said, "Yeah, I'm just going to let things be the way they are" And how many times do we actually listen to ourselves?

We care too much to just "let it be," so would letting it be make us careless about the situation?
The brain is repeatedly being reminded of the same thing. That nagging thought at the back of your head.

Thoughts, the same frikking thoughts rotating like clothes being tossed about in a washing machine. Like that annoying song stuck in your head the whole day. Like the annoying fly that keeps buzzing around your ear even though you keep trying to shoo it away. The nagging thought just doesn’t leave.

Do you want it to leave? Wouldn't "letting it be" become easier then?

Does that "something" or "someone" give you that annoyingly sick comfort, in some way or the other?

Thinking that you can change the situation, knowing that you can’t. Puts you in a fix doesn’t it?

So can you let things just be? Or can you not? Does it make you seem like a careless, indifferent person or an overthinking pathetic loser?

Is there something in between? Shades of grey? A normal person who can be both?

Sixteen years and I'm still trying to figure it out.

Going Home

Imagine a huge, heavy rock being lifted off of your head.

Imagine being under water for a time long enough to nearly kill you, and then that relief you get back from emerging from under water gasping air, that first breath you take after being suffocated under water.

Imagine walking, dragging your feet across the sand in the middle of an isolated desert, wishing for a drop of water as the heat burns your clothes to your skin, and when you get that gulp of water, in that moment you forget everything , relish each molecule of water slipping down your throat.

So it sounds damn melodramatic but thats what I felt when I landed in Dubai on the 24th of October.

It felt so so so so so so so so good to just be home and what made it better was that my best friend made it the airport to pick me up despite the flight getting delayed by more that 2 hours. Four full days in Dubai, I forgot all about bombay, JNS, IB and all the other Bombay shit. "Living in the present" is what they call it, and honestly for the first time I think I managed to do just that. Not a thought about when I was going to leave nor about how it was when I left Bombay. Just being there with my friends was enough. I cant believe how unbelievably lucky I am to have such brilliant friends who did all that they could to spend time with me, even though they were busy with school and work.... Thanks guys =)

Undoubtedly the best days I've had since I've moved here, I even woke up today morning thinking I was still in Dubai with this huge grin on my face only to open my eyes and realize I was back in Bombay. I felt really really stupid after that. Anyhow, I managed to overcome the "hate" I had for Bombay, I came back with a happy, satisfied mind. And I haven't felt this good in ages. Dubai will always be home.....as they say home is where the heart is, but right now I'm in Bombay and I'm happy.

Forgive me

I can finally feel it now. Partially.
I can feel it partially. I want to it to be whole.Not one, but Two-sided.
But as my Luck goes,
It never going to be whole.
Should I be sad, like a gloomy rain-less day?
Or,
should I feel happy because it's partial?
Should I look at the glass empty or half full? Either way, the glass is going to break, and the shards will pierce my heart and maybe, just maybe,hopefully not, another heart as well.
It's life they say. Or maybe it's just me feeling totally retarded.
It's phase, apparently. Well, honestly I'm sick of "phases" and nothing working out.
It's too good to be true -- for me to just have you as a part of my life.
And I'm just going to push you away.
Forgive me.
I love you from the depths of my heart and being,
Forgive me.