Thursday, February 19, 2009


I hate it when I choke-up. This large, suffocating lump in my throat. The lump gets bigger, and bigger. My eyes sting with tears that refuse to come out not because they dont want to but because the can't. I refuse to let them come out. The lump is getting bigger, I realized I've forgotten to breathe. I gasp for air, hoping it will help make the lump in my throat go away. It doesnt, the air just seeps in through the lump, like water percolating through a rock.

My head is swimming in all directions, Is it my fault? Is it not? Why am I being put to blame? Why am i stuck in this situation? WHY?

The lump is beginning to disappear, I'm not getting any answers.
Breathing becomes easier, I'm still not getting any answers.
The un-fallen tears go away, I'm still not getting answers.
My jaws untighten, I'm still not getting answers.

I really hate it when I choke-up, I feel dumb, uncapable of any normal human like behavior. I'd probably be standing still even if I saw someone throw something at me.

It all gets over in a moment or two. A really short time period, seems damn insignificant later on, but then there's the after effect.
Hard core heart ache.

Still looking for answers.