Thursday, February 19, 2009


I hate it when I choke-up. This large, suffocating lump in my throat. The lump gets bigger, and bigger. My eyes sting with tears that refuse to come out not because they dont want to but because the can't. I refuse to let them come out. The lump is getting bigger, I realized I've forgotten to breathe. I gasp for air, hoping it will help make the lump in my throat go away. It doesnt, the air just seeps in through the lump, like water percolating through a rock.

My head is swimming in all directions, Is it my fault? Is it not? Why am I being put to blame? Why am i stuck in this situation? WHY?

The lump is beginning to disappear, I'm not getting any answers.
Breathing becomes easier, I'm still not getting any answers.
The un-fallen tears go away, I'm still not getting answers.
My jaws untighten, I'm still not getting answers.

I really hate it when I choke-up, I feel dumb, uncapable of any normal human like behavior. I'd probably be standing still even if I saw someone throw something at me.

It all gets over in a moment or two. A really short time period, seems damn insignificant later on, but then there's the after effect.
Hard core heart ache.

Still looking for answers.


The Mindless Wanderer said...

very nicely written.. i see IB English makes you structure your blog entry better..and ya what makes u and everyone else choke up?..what's going on?why is it so hard to believe yourself later? even i have no answers..i don't think these Questions are meant to be answered..they are the 'questions of life' and life is their answer..think about that..btw i see that you have indeed written your blog entry in as it came to your head that's why there are some words missing in the starting..check it later..overall amazingly descriptive entry..keep blogging..!

Shalaka said...

Man, I LOVE your posts! So direct and easy to understand. Your writing is naturally easy to relate to.

And ya, there are some questions that aren't meant to be answered.

Blog regularly ! =)

Anonymous said...

very impressive, Ray ! :)

Your writing has really improved !
Im proud of you !

eldewen calewiel said...

it happens.....i like ur writing ..i have to agree with vishaka about the IB English giving it structure..definite improvement..
im saying you rock girl...nice writing.
but like i always say its the days that you're low that give you your best entries...but hell cheer up...
ninja 4eva!

Advita said...

Know what?
I'm not getting any answers either..
But then, that's life yeah?
The "Quest" for the answers and all...

miss you!

p.s. i ACTUALLY updated my blog! Thrice! After, like, 2 years! haha - go check it out!

Anonymous said...

You know whats choking you dear? Your hatred,you are afraid to be yourself,afraid to speak out,you are choked inside yourself and the hatred is choking you even more...I readed your posts in blog you are so pesimistic and negative...look why do you hate? Is it worth the energy you are giving it? You could use that energy to do something better or help people...afraid to be you? Why are you afraid,if you are good person everyone will like you even when you would be a total idiot or such,sure there would be some people who will laugh at you and such but thats life,those are obstacles,dont fight them,understand them and learn from them...You look like you have nice life so WHY THE HECK so pessimistic? If I were you I would be happy as a pig!! The choking problem is from mine own experience,its all your fault and only your fault everything bad or good that happens to you is your fault...karma my dear...put that smile upside down and BE HAPPY,free yourself from those blocks feel the freedom and be happy!!!